Saturday, December 1st & 8th - DECEMBER/HOLIDAY SPECIAL: My Dance, My Body, The World

                 

do you like baby carrots?                 

                                        i don't know i don't know   

  

                                                                                            i     don't     know

You can put anything in your ass.

Don't let shape dictate what you put in your ass. 

With commitment you can get anything up there.

I'll certify you in Reiki.

(While dancing around and waving his hands:)

<energy healing * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *                                  * *           *                  * * *

    * * * * * * * * * * * *             

     energy healing     * * * * * *  a little energy here                        *                       *

           * * * * a little energy there          * * * *   energy-y-y-y        * *       *           * * * * * * * *

                  you're certified in reiki>

THIS

is addressed to Brian James O'Connell

Which MEANS

It's for Me.

(opening Brian's mail)

If this is a picture of some old lady's bazoombas...

...61.71 cent from SoCal recycling...

[Beer Lesson - Brandon teaches Steve about saison]

What if money made people's dicks hard?

                       do you think women... 

                                        how much do you think women value...

                                                            the earning potential of a prospective partner? (???????)

You know how I feel about Bernadette Peters.

i wonder what my dating value is right now.            (????????)

(After I said "motherfucker":) 

that kind of language is what's wrong with us as people

                            i just wanna know who would sleep with me.         (?????????)

(Singing Cher:) 

"Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don't think you're strong enough. Do you believe in life after love?...."

We could be Southern California's Premiere Cher cover band.

(holding his middle finger up to me)

This is the finger I put in my ass - and then smell it.

[Beer Lesson - Brandon teaches Steve about farmhouse ales]

I get why people used to drink all day, I mean, this was 1840s London 

this is how my dance moves work

this is my body moving to the music

this is how the world is

I feel good about today: two human beings connecting.

Happy Holidays! & Merry Christmas! & Happy Hanukkah! & Have a Great Kwanzaa! And if you celebrate something else, Spectacular That!

Love,

Brandon

Saturday, 11/24 - It's Time to Make *Mangic*: Gym Checklist

(first words of the day:)
ohhhh ooooooooooh I gotta peeeeee I gotta peeeeee today
(followed by incoherent mumbles and singing in the bathroom)

I was piiiiiiiisssssed. I got it all out of me. 

...it was satisfying

(to David Horn)
You want me to Wingman for you?
I'll Wingman for you!
"This man makes sex in the right holes and juggles." That's it.



guys i gotta find if the gym is reopened i heard they're remodeling it                                  i am really craving a sandwich or curly fries

yum yum yum yum.                             that was unnecessary.



(i know nothing about women
i know zero about women)

this sweater is not coming with me

i gotta put on my gymmy running shorts

(singing:)

whatchu gonna do brandon

gonna use my hairdryer hairdryer 

hairdryer

i wish i had more psoriasis
i think it's more sexy
...my wife thinks it's just gross

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I don't know if you know about my sciatic nerve ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "THE TALE OF MY SCIATIC NERVE" ™ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do we have the things necessary for a

Wonderful Gym Experience? 

We have:

•  blowdryer. Check!

We have:

•  oxblood pants. Check!

We have:

• flip flops.  So I dont have to go in the shower and have my feet touch the floor.

We have:

• shirt to put on afterwards
• socks
• weird pair of underwear. Because I have to do laundry.
• both pair of hair products
• oil of olay
• my iPod

It's time to make *Mangic*.




i drive a mustang!
                           




 .........i drive a sweet madza                                                                 2012 hatchback
                 




 where'd i put my keys 

 where'd I put my keys

                               where'd I put my keys

We're gonna do some: 

1. hang cleans
2. some incline press
3. ya know, gonna get monstrous, but first:
4.  the old chapstick guys, gotta hydrate the lips for the ladies.

i'm gonna make myself huge




Is this a happy face, Steve?





















Is this a happy face, Steve?
(makes a "seizure face")

Is this a happy face?
(makes a "seizure face")

Love,
Brandon

Saturday, 11/10 (on 11/17) - Part 2: Orange Tree Intercourse.

I really wanna eat this (found orange in kitchen area)  
I want an orange tree 

wha wha wha wha

that's... an orange tree... would be...
   
         fucking awesome.





Who. Doesn't. Want.
AN ORANGE TREE.

(Singing:)

I demand an orange tree 

     I demand it 

          You ask your man <clap clap>

                You ask your man <clap clap>

                    Hey baby <clap>

                Hey baby <clap>

          You love me <clap>

     You gotta get your man an orange tree 

You love me

what do we need from trader joe's what do i need to tell my wife to get ¡STEVE! ¡WHAT DO I NEED TO TELL MY WIFE! um..............................................................

1. almonds 
2. (no i'm tired of almonds.)

1. cashews 
2. and bananas. bananas and cashews. bananas.
3. oatmeal 
4. kale 
5. (okay, i'm walking through the trader joe's aisles in my head...)
6. spices 
7. stewed tomatoes (no diced tomatoes) 
8. hey there cereal 
9. i need quinoa. 

(Singing:) 

Hey baby <clap>

      Hey baby <clap>

You gonna get that quinoa

Ya gonna get it

                    (doing an Italian impression of me:)

          "I getta the Mahtzarehla... I getta the Mahtzarehla."

(to me, or rather, at me:)

you're a real piece of work 

you're 

a 

real piece of work 

you know that? 

i don't know what your wife sees in you 

so you can take 

that 

to the bank and smoke it.

(Singing:)
Intercourse! Intercourse! Let's have Intercourse! 

(Talking - to me:)
That's sex with another person.

(Singing:)
Intercourse! Intercourse! It feels good for a minute or an hour.

(Talking - to me:)
I'm educating you about Intercourse.




DO I SEEM HAPPY? (attempts smiley face) 

DO I SEEM HAPPY? (Again) 

DO I? DO I? SEEM HAPPY? (again)

I have an audition for HAPPY. 



Love,
Brandon

Saturday, 11/10 - Part 1: GOBBLE GOBBLE, stinky.

(singing) Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

(still singing) I gonna suck a lot of dicks tonight. Gotta suck a lotta 

dicks to-NIGHT! 

<GOBBLEGOBBLE>

ah I got nelly in my I got nelly in my head I got nelly in my head

THIS.  

            Doesn't. 

                           Help me.

All you do is look at vegan blogs all day.  

1. vegan 
2. vegan 
3. vegan.

It's the: FINAL! COUNTDOWN! <to the tune of Final Countdown>
doo doo.  
doo doo doo doo doo. 
doo doo doo doo.  
doo doo doo doo doo - doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


(singing about Melora Hardin) Do you think she'd date me, do you think she'd date me?
(Shulie, chiming in, singing) If her husband lets you, then she would date you.

everybody stop.

(while singing & dancing...) 

"you gotta treat your lady right. you gotta treat your lady right huh huh huh huh"

Hey Hey Hey - who's office is this?  
                                                   It's Brandon's office - Hey Hey Hey

hey this one is broke, stinky 

Love, 

Brandon

Saturday, 10/27 - Ahh! My Sciatic Nerve!

I'm always fucking tired in here.   

Is there a carbon monoxide leak?

................................. maybe it's you. 

(meaning, me, Steve)



(to be sung to the tune of "The Conga Line song")





gym gym gym gym gym, Gym! gym gym gym gym gym, Gym! 

Let me talk to you about selling tickets. 

You gotta sell those tickets. 

good talk.

i'm a grown man it just feels weird to me

Hey baby, it cool if i get drunk tonight?  Stick my penis in another guuuurrrrl?  Oh you crazy, you craaaaaazy.   (Oh i'm married to Jackay) Jackaaaaaay 227!

(to be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")

Hey you, don't make it bad... (trails off, never continues)

I'm gonna talk to james to see if he can get an intern to come 

in and massage my sciatic nerve.  All they would have to do is 

come in and massage my sciatic nerve.

NO FARMED ANIMALS ARE HURT IN THE COPULATORY PROCESS.



it would be so cool if every woman in the world would show me their boobs.
                    i wouldn't have to touch them they could just show me

                                                                      i think i have a boob fetish
                                                                                that's the one good thing about halloween


Oh! My! Ass! Hurts! So! Fucking! Bad!  -  the side of my ass


Love, 
Brandon

Saturday, 10/20 - Dinosaur Titays

"Listen, I gotta tell you something, man.  



        

I am a dinosaur who kills people.

(many incoherent mumblings in a Japanese accent)

(in song) I got some sweet, sweet titays… I wanna put 'em in my mouth and body.  I wanna touch 'em with my fingers, and my fingers.  

Boum    boum    boum boum!    Bau bau bau bau!

            OH. UMG.                                  Lick that     
                    envelope right!

let'sgogetdrunkonweed.thatsoundfun,weed?weshoulddoweedtogetherandmakememories.

Is it my nap time?  Can you massage my butt?  It hurts.  I'm having some butt pain and need a massage in this area right here." 

Love,

Brandon

This is Normal for Saturdays at iO West.

If you're reading this, you may already know Brandon J. Sornberger.  What does that mean?  I don't know.  Brandon seems to shapeshift, representing a different being and personality with different people.  To some he may be the friendly, funny guy who you see onstage.  To others, he may be the professional, down-to-business, hard-edged Bar Manager/teacher.  To me, well, to me he's everything that will be presented in this blog.  You'll very quickly learn about the Brandon only I, Steven Todd Smith, know.  You'll get to know the Brandon who I spend 2-4 hours with, cooped up in the iO West office.  So, read on, enjoy, and meet Brandon J. Sornberger.

Welcome to Brandon's mind.